Often I wished I'd had a T-shirt which read boldly across the front "She & Hers" as a reminder of which pronouns to use.
I got tired of being so anxious all the time about correcting people, so I didn't (unless I trusted them) and I also got tired of trying to figure out the whole bathroom issue and running to the few unisex bathrooms on the land wasn't an option during work hours. Wigs are itchy and I generally don't like them so I only wore them on fancy occasions. Mostly I wore hats and head wraps, lots of jewelry and make up and tight fitting clothes. At the time I was under the impression that I couldn't afford fake breasts and I felt embarrassed to wear them so I didn't.
Now I wear them regularly, but I'm still dealing with shame at work, even though every single person there is supportive and friendly.
I feel constantly defeated by my own shame and also by other people's expectations good and bad. I am learning so much about myself through this process. First of all, I'm learning that I am so easily influenced and swayed by other people. An example of this might be my relapses with cigarettes. Officially I quit smoking 6 years ago (I know!!! Awesome!) but have had 1 significant relapse. While living up on the mountain I smoked for a few months- partially because I felt so left out. A lot of my friends smoked and drank a lot up there. The more I was around it the more I remembered why I used to smoke, so I started again. I made more friends. The wheel continues to turn in this direction.
It's interesting because people who use drugs don't have the same effect on me, neither does hanging around binge drinkers. I am not above the influence of my community. I am still impressionable to a degree and a bit naive, as well. Not street-dumb, but idealist maybe. I certainly spend a lot of time fantasizing about the kind of woman I want to be and honestly, I don't think I could ever be her.
The idea of having multiple, major surgeries that each cost thousands of dollars is daunting. I'm not scared of them, in fact I feel excited when I think about having orchiectomy (castration) or vaginoplasty. I think for most male-bodied people and with good reason, the idea of having their testes removed is frightening or grotesque but for me not so much. I spent a large chunk of my 20's feeling frustrated about being constantly horny and testosterone driven. I didn't identify as transsexual then because it just wasn't a part of my awareness. I mean I'd never met any transsexual women who weren't sex workers or didn't look like they'd just walked off a Vegas stage. I didn't seem to fit the bill (unless you count all the stereotypical childhood stuff) and I didn't even know how/where to start.
I did plenty of research and mapped out some what-if scenarios but they all ended in profound fear over medical costs and social losses. I also knew that if I were to be honest about this with my siblings, they'd be (typically) weird about it. Two years ago my brother disowned and abandoned me over the very fact of my coming out with intentions to transition.
I think just now I am tired. I don't want to wake up two hours earlier than necessary, in order to shave, put on make up and hair. I don't want to wear fake tits every day and I don't want to wear "gender-appropriate" clothing. I'm a jeans and T-shirt person. I doubt that if I were genetically female I'd be much different. I'd still be a punk rock girl. I'd still be a tom boy with glamorous tendencies. Bottom line, I'm not terribly interested in being a bald woman. In fact I'm not that interested in being a woman unless it happens quickly.
And I think that's a bad sign. I want it now, instantly. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of fantasizing about being some type of person I may not actually have the capability of being. So right now I have stubble on my face. Right now I'm letting my baldness show a little more. Right now I'm playing with being in a male body. Right now I'm revelling in testosterone and horniness.
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