subtle fascism in style and media

Today I'd like to address something that's been bugging me, although I didn't have the exact point of it until now. Until just now, actually. Lately, I've been noticing this trend towards the late 50's 60's. Ordinarily, I think vintage clothing and period film is great. I like the sensibility of chiffon dresses, shiny buckle shoes and guys with Brylcreem in their hair. I even like that women are still trying to duplicate Audrey Hepburn's style.

The 60's gave birth to rockabilly, right? Johnny Cash and The Doors... Sonny and Cher... Jimi Hendrix! Wonderful sounding garage bands and all the predecessors to punk rock! There's a lot of style there. But it seems to me, like this newly refurbished aesthetic is clinging to a look that I can't quite latch on to. The whiteness.

I've been watching Mad Men, to try and understand the appeal to this phenomenon. The acting is superb, the cast is a powerhouse and the dresses make me swoon. The story lines are engaging, though not over-the-top. I'm not bored, but I realize the tension for me is that I'm uncomfortable and can't quite explain why. It dawned on me today while watching- I understand completely the necessity of portraying a time period faithfully, and in America that means paying attention to racial relationships, stereotypes and taboos. In this show, there's the closeted gay guy who can't come to grips with who he is, even when a clear opportunity is presented to him (A scenario where another clearly gay man propositions him and he turns the man down angrily)- The black elevator operator, the black house maid and the black shoe shine man. No Latinos, No Asians, no one even remotely subversive (unless you count the poser, pot-smoking, beatniks attached to one of Mr. Draper's mistresses. They even have their own bongos.)

I realized today that I don't like this one bit. I mean, yes, there's a character on the show who has a black girlfriend. We've met her once in two seasons. So far, there's no mention of Martin Luther King Jr., even though at this point in time, he'd already lead the Montgomery Bus Boycott and the 1963 March on Washington is only months away. There have been tiny, I mean minuscule by todays' standards, attention paid to the issue of segregation or race and politics. This is a show about the executives of an advertising firm on Madison Avenue. Why am I supposed to believe that no one is talking about this?

They talked plenty about Kennedy and Nixon, they spoken of Marilyn Monroe's death, but so far, not one mention of any person of color who had notoriety or fame in that era...Perhaps I've dozed off a few times and didn't catch them? I'm realizing that I don't much like the show because of it. I feel like it leans in a very fascist direction. I feel the same when I walk by American Apparel and I see their latest line. It looks like Wally and Beaver Cleaver to me. I hate it. I'm not interested in the average, American White family anymore. I don't care how "controversial" they are, if they get divorced or if they're alcoholics.

Bottom line for me? I'm tired of American television training me to be a racist. Whether it's by them cueing my interest in something that is/was or intends to be a primarily white function, show or fashion line, I don't care. I'm sick of it. Why does the primary cast of any show, need to be of any particular ethnicity? What's the point of a show going back to the 60's, in order to see how white people lived and why do I need to fantasize about their wealthy, privileged lives? So you could do a lot with $50 back then. So what. I feel duped by all of this and I don't want to support it, even though I believe in the talent of the actors and I like some of the story lines. I just don't think it's OK.

If TV producers want me to yearn for the 50's or 60's, put some black panthers on the tube. Write some tory lines around people who fought to make the positive, lasting changes we see today. I'm sorry, but I don't believe in the myth of the Kennedys or other rich White folk. Not even the Rockerfellers- Why not make a show where people I care about are the focus?

disappointed but healthy

I had a show tonight and was terrified to go up on stage. I'd been losing sleep over it for the last few nights. I was one of several acts in Homomentum's "Snowpocalypse". I sang "My Funny Valentine". I love that song, and I meant it as a love song to Portland. Portland queers, specifically- we're weird looking (in the best ways), fabulous freaks of all sizes and backgrounds. Looking out into the audience, in the front row especially, I saw some of the women who melt me every time I see them, so beautiful and curvy and sensitive.

I froze some and apparently I was doing a thing with my jaw that looks like I'm on meth (a quote from a friend).

*sigh*

Once a junkie always a junkie, I guess. What my face does when I'm nervous really bothers me. Though I did drink some caffeinated tea before heading to the venue. It was jasmine tea, though so I thought I'd be OK. WRONG. I was totally spun for a while.

The audience response to me was wonderful. Even just when I was announced, the response was huge. That's a great relief! Also a bit of pressure, but a very encouraging pressure. Afterward, I was being pulled left and right in congratulations. Also a woman asked if I'd sing with her and said my voice gave her chills and brought her to tears. That's what I want to hear!!! Now it will only take a little more time to get used to it so my voice can really be free!!

Before going on, I saw this guy standing in the back. I'd been waiting for him to show up. My bad, though. He didn't seem to enjoy himself at all. In fact, he disappeared without a word, which initially hurt my feelings. I don't like feeling abandoned, especially by men. Doubly especially by men who are aware that I have strong feelings/sensitivity around abandonment. But again, my bad. At least this sent a strong signal to me that this guy doesn't think enough of me to cushion the blow of "you're not interesting enough for me to hang around"- he just dug out.

When I asked him via text what was up? Was he OK? he was very non-chalant. "had to go. Sorry. Friends asking where I was"... Ouch, says me. But...OK. I still had a smile on my face because after all, haven't I learned anything from Palecek?

Yes, I have. I've learned that I am deserving of the same respect I give. I am within my right to expect a person to clearly state their intention and be kind around my boundaries. I deserve to be treated respectfully and I don't think a little admiration is too much to ask?! I deserve better than aloof. And hey, I'm not judging the guy. If he doesn't like me, he doesn't like me. If he doesn't like my art, my singing, my writing, he's totally entitled his opinion and I don't think any less of him for it. In fact I'd totally date someone who didn't appreciate my art. But I won't give the time of day to someone who thinks they're "better" than me in regard to any creative endeavor. Well, moving on. I don't think I'll see him again.

I had so much fun tonight at the show. The other performers were wonderful to watch. It's like going to a family reunion and being part of a wholesome talent show put on by you and your cousins. For me, this is the feeling of homomentum and why it's so special. Some of us don't have ANY formal training at all, but we like to be on stage and perform and do our thing in a safe environment where we know if we fuck up, people are going to clap harder and hoot and holler our name out and let us know we are valued. That's true community to me. It doesn't matter if my ass ever gets up on a TV show doing what I do. The point is community and fun, not competition and image. I love these shows for that. Thanks, Max and Jodi.