disappointed but healthy

I had a show tonight and was terrified to go up on stage. I'd been losing sleep over it for the last few nights. I was one of several acts in Homomentum's "Snowpocalypse". I sang "My Funny Valentine". I love that song, and I meant it as a love song to Portland. Portland queers, specifically- we're weird looking (in the best ways), fabulous freaks of all sizes and backgrounds. Looking out into the audience, in the front row especially, I saw some of the women who melt me every time I see them, so beautiful and curvy and sensitive.

I froze some and apparently I was doing a thing with my jaw that looks like I'm on meth (a quote from a friend).

*sigh*

Once a junkie always a junkie, I guess. What my face does when I'm nervous really bothers me. Though I did drink some caffeinated tea before heading to the venue. It was jasmine tea, though so I thought I'd be OK. WRONG. I was totally spun for a while.

The audience response to me was wonderful. Even just when I was announced, the response was huge. That's a great relief! Also a bit of pressure, but a very encouraging pressure. Afterward, I was being pulled left and right in congratulations. Also a woman asked if I'd sing with her and said my voice gave her chills and brought her to tears. That's what I want to hear!!! Now it will only take a little more time to get used to it so my voice can really be free!!

Before going on, I saw this guy standing in the back. I'd been waiting for him to show up. My bad, though. He didn't seem to enjoy himself at all. In fact, he disappeared without a word, which initially hurt my feelings. I don't like feeling abandoned, especially by men. Doubly especially by men who are aware that I have strong feelings/sensitivity around abandonment. But again, my bad. At least this sent a strong signal to me that this guy doesn't think enough of me to cushion the blow of "you're not interesting enough for me to hang around"- he just dug out.

When I asked him via text what was up? Was he OK? he was very non-chalant. "had to go. Sorry. Friends asking where I was"... Ouch, says me. But...OK. I still had a smile on my face because after all, haven't I learned anything from Palecek?

Yes, I have. I've learned that I am deserving of the same respect I give. I am within my right to expect a person to clearly state their intention and be kind around my boundaries. I deserve to be treated respectfully and I don't think a little admiration is too much to ask?! I deserve better than aloof. And hey, I'm not judging the guy. If he doesn't like me, he doesn't like me. If he doesn't like my art, my singing, my writing, he's totally entitled his opinion and I don't think any less of him for it. In fact I'd totally date someone who didn't appreciate my art. But I won't give the time of day to someone who thinks they're "better" than me in regard to any creative endeavor. Well, moving on. I don't think I'll see him again.

I had so much fun tonight at the show. The other performers were wonderful to watch. It's like going to a family reunion and being part of a wholesome talent show put on by you and your cousins. For me, this is the feeling of homomentum and why it's so special. Some of us don't have ANY formal training at all, but we like to be on stage and perform and do our thing in a safe environment where we know if we fuck up, people are going to clap harder and hoot and holler our name out and let us know we are valued. That's true community to me. It doesn't matter if my ass ever gets up on a TV show doing what I do. The point is community and fun, not competition and image. I love these shows for that. Thanks, Max and Jodi.