Sitting here in the dark again, worrying through a spell of insomnia. Each time I have insomnia it feels exactly the same as the last time and for some reason, I question if it's actually happening or if I'm just being silly. Nope, not being silly. I actually can't sleep.

I wonder for a few hours if I should get up and do something? Play video games? Clean something? Sew something, write something or paint something? All I do is lie here and think. Thinking can be so exhausting. I know from experience that certain types of thinking can physically drain you and change things in your body- heart palpitations, for example, migraines for another...

I wonder if U-Stress accomplish the same but in reverse? Does thinking happy thoughts promote good health? Is this a stupid question? I know that when I've had a really good date or I'm happy with my job or whatever, I sleep easier. Lately I'm sleeping and actually dreaming, but I'm not getting to sleep when I want to- No surprise there, I haven't been able to sleep since I was about 14.

So what's on my mind tonight is my sobriety. I've just finished reading Augusten Burroughs' "Dry". I more than liked this book- I feel like I can see the points in his writing where the conversation becomes exaggerated and I appreciate his techniques and his style. I like the loopy way he brings all these sloppy, fucked up things together in a very neat and tight, consistent manner. But I also feel the sting of his reality-

What's the point of sobriety? Because there is NO reward. Seldom is life worth anything more than the people we love.

Ta-Da.

When I was 18, I saved up and went to London with my best friend. I also decided shortly before this time that I was done with hard drugs. That's 20 years ago this May. I've not ever been much of a drinker, meaning I get drunk maybe 3 times in a year- sometimes more, but rarely. I've never felt a great compulsion to drink. So in the past 20 years, I've been a drinker, yes. But never out of control. I've had two, maybe three short-lived periods of time where I purchased maybe an 1/8th of weed and took a month or so to smoke it. But the last time I bought weed for personal use was probably in 1998. So I have smoked weed.

I quit smoking cigarettes 6 years ago with a relapse that set me back a few months. I am surprised that I quit smoking because I never thought in a million years I'd be strong enough to. It took me 4 years of talking about it just to try and quit the first time.

Maybe because I started smoking regularly by 13, but I still want to smoke. I still want that satisfying, first, great inhale after an orgasm or a tasty meal, while having a beer or a tea. I miss smoking while writing. Obviously I don't miss the smell or the taste of it as I have developed a rather annoying and hostile habit of when I walk by smokers I cover my mouth and nose while fanning the air around me with my free hand.

WTF?

Not really sure how I became this person. I used to blow smoke at this person and giggle with my middle finger proudly displayed at them. Is this a full-circle thing? Am I really that mad at myself for curbing addiction? I might be. Seems like even if my life was cut short by one of my addictions it might have been more fun for me. Is that cynical? Or is this really just because I never had any forum to talk about and deal with the realities of dealing with addiction?

I liked Crank a lot. A LOT. I did a lot of Acid and was trying heroin and PCP. I was headed down the "wrong" road. I was getting interested in sex work and drug dealing. I just knew that it would kill me really quick. I'm still certain of what I know of myself, that if I would have gone down either of those roads then, I wouldn't be here now. But what has sticking around accomplished anyway?