I'm saddened only by my own failing here. I'm stuck with this notion of protecting people from myself by not talking about what I'm feeling. Personally, I'm sick of my feelings. They're big and loud and keep me from sleeping every night. My feelings keep me from eating and talking and approaching hot Mexican men in the Fred Meyers. I am sick of, and resent my feelings and wish they would go fuck themselves.
But they are what they are, and depression is classed as a disease for a reason. I can't help the state of my mind. I can't think depression away- I can keep it at bay, see it for what it is, but I can't control it. Often I feel like I can't control myself while in the grips of a particularly bad spell, either. In my mind I might be doing Pilates or Yoga or taking a jog, and the thing is, I REALLY WANT TO BE DOING THOSE THINGS. I don't want to be sitting in my bedroom totally catatonic and watching 12 episodes of Ugly Butthole or CSI: Dumbfuck back to back, but I can't move. I'm just watching the show and feeling like I can't do anything else. My life is falling apart, has fallen apart years ago and I never had the strength or courage to put it back together. I never had the sense to NOT be embarrassed by who I am.
That's a simple truth. I embarrass myself frequently just by being who I am and making bad choices- I make them in my choice of unsupportive, selfish and totally useless frenemies (the scourge of facebook and the internet age), I make them in my choice of finances (10 year old credit card debt, defaulted student loan I feel like I can never pay back), career (massage therapy? Enough said)...Maybe I never should have gotten these tattoos, since most people tend to judge me by them.
I'm so dumb to have thought we'd be living in a different world by now, that I could speak for myself, instead of letting something superficial and colorful drain me of opportunity. I'm a shitty sales-person and don't at all like the notion that I am what I look like, instead of I am what I say I am. In that case I'd be an intelligent, articulate, creatively motivated and highly intellectual person. But actually I'm just a high school drop out with terrible credit and a long list of previous employers, virtually no verifiable rental history, saggy earlobes and way too many visible tattoos to be considered marketable or even presentable enough to stand at the counter or work front of the house. Even though I've been turned down for jobs based on the facts that I speak English a little to well and don't have a criminal record.
True story.
So this year I applied for SSI. I concluded that my experiences in Colorado finally broke me into little, stupid pieces. My life hasn't been the same since I went there. I cannot handle daily stress like I used to. I cannot handle or maintain relationships like I used to. I just lost my passion for communicating and problem solving. I cannot sustain normal relationships...or maybe I can, I don't know. Right now it just seems as though I've lost my will to engage in things that would normally create happiness in me. I feel like I'm falling into the cynicism that is around me- From the gay people I know not caring at all about equal civil rights, to the heteros around me taking advantage of rights I don't have and expecting me to be supportive of that choice. I didn't get to properly deal with Shloma's death. I'm still angry at the people close to him who didn't include me in his funeral or even let me know it was happening. I didn't have a chance to get closure there.
Like I said, I have a lot of feelings and they're loud and prohibitively strong. I am masked by them, drowning, in fact. So I'm sorry if I don't always express how I'm feeling or say exactly what I'm going through... I don't always have the language for what's ailing me. All I'm really doing is sitting still and hoping to emerge from this cocoon of silence and self-hatred.
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